Lightbulb Jokes

How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one since his/her hands are in the air anyway

How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. God has predestined when the lights will be on. Or... Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and pray the light bulb will decide to change itself.

How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
CHANGE???????

No. Really, how many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

How many neo-evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness.

How many Church of Christ Members does it take to change a light bulb?
Six men. One to authorize the change; two to look up the scriptures to see if it's something Jesus or Paul would approve of; and three to keep the women in submission, i.e. keeping them from giving advice, instructions, or usurping authority over the men.

How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. but for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.

How many fundamentalists or independent Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one because any more would be compromise and ecumenical standards of light would slip.

How many liberals does it take to change a light Bulb?
At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb they still may not change it to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.

How many Anglicans or Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They always use candles.

How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change light bulb?
One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.

How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.

How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
We choose not to make a statement of either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb however, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship to your light bulb and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way,long-lived, and tinted; all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence through Jesus Christ.

No. Really, How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved-you can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

How many Nazarenes does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
What's a light bulb?

How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if, in your own journey, you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The lights are on, but no one's home.

How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Mosaic Miami Church Website
Mosaic Miami Church Blog

Bible Q & A

Q. The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
A: They used floodlights.

Q: Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A: David - he rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q: What do they call pastors in Germany?
A: German Shepherds.

Q: What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A: Turn right and go straight.

Q: Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A: Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A: The area around the Jordan - the banks were always overflowing.

Q: Which bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, son of Nun.

Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A: He only had two worms!

Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible ?
A: Noah: He was floating his stock, while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q: Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible ?
A: When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Mosaic Miami Church Website
Mosaic Miami Church Blog

CHINA: Executed for Distributing Bibles

When 34-year old Jiang Zongxiu and her mother-in-law went to her neighboring marketplace in Guizhou Province, China; they took this as an opportunity to hand out Bibles and Christian literature. Only this day they had an encounter with the Chinese police.

The two Christian women were handcuffed together and brought to the police station. They were interrogated throughout the evening of the 17th. The next morning they were sentenced by the Public Security Bureau (PSB) to 15 days incarceration for “suspected spreading of rumor and disturbing the social order.”

Jiang and her mother-in-law knew the risk of spreading Christian literature in communist China. Both had been active in their church for more than 10 years and dared to go forth. Even when they were arrested, interrogated and sentenced to serve 15 days, they were willing to accept the consequences of their actions—all from a government that claims to have “freedom of religion.”

But it was not enough for the PSB to arrest and beat these two Christian women for the crime of passing our Christian literature. In the afternoon of June 18th, Mrs. Jiang Zongziu was pronounced dead by the PSB office of Tongzi County. They claimed she died of “natural causes.” The fact is she was beaten to death.

The Voice of the Martyrs has received video testimony from the surviving family, photos of Jiang's bruised body, and a copy of the actual arrest document. All of this had to be smuggled out of China as the authorities continue to attempt to hide their systematic persecution of Christians.

Much of the world would like you to believe Christians are no longer persecuted. Sister Jiang’s family would disagree. Now you can stay informed of what is really happening to your Christian brothers and sisters in countries like China and even discover practical ways to help, with a FREE subscription to The Voice of the Martyrs monthly newsletter. Don’t turn your back on today’s persecuted church. Subscribe today!

Click here to receive your FREE subscription to The Voice of the Martyrs award-winning newsletter!


Mosaic Miami Church Website
Mosaic Miami Church Blog

Under Persecution - Pastor Zhang Rongliang

Location: China
Arrested: December 2004
Days Imprisoned: 625

Pastor Zhang Rongliang was sentenced to 7 1/2 years in prison. According to China Aid Association the July 4 verdict was issued by Zhongmu County People's Court. Pastor Zhang Rongliang, a prominent Chinese house-church leader, was arrested in a rented apartment at Xuzhai village the afternoon of December 1, 2004. Zhang already had spent 12 years in prison for his faith during five separate detentions. He experienced harsh torture, including electric shock, during his previous prison terms. More Info.

The leader of the China for Christ Church, which according to China Aid Association is one of the largest house church networks estimated to have more than 10 million members, was sentenced to 7 1/2 years July 4, 2006. He was arrested December 1, 2004. Read more about Pastor Zhang at www.prisoneralert.com where you may compose a letter to him in his language. To learn of other brothers and sisters who have been arrested visit www.ChinaAid.org.


Mosaic Miami Church Website
Mosaic Miami Church Blog

ISRAEL AND JERUSALEM FACTS

1. ISRAEL BECAME A STATE IN 1312 B.C., TWO MILLENNIA BEFORE ISLAM;

2. ARAB REFUGEES FROM ISRAEL BEGAN CALLING THEMSELVES "PALESTINIANS" IN 1967, TWO DECADES AFTER (MODERN) ISRAELI STATEHOOD;

3. AFTER CONQUERING THE LAND IN 1272 B.C., JEWS RULED IT FOR A THOUSAND YEARS AND MAINTAINED A CONTINUOUS PRESENCE THERE FOR 3,300 YEARS;

4. THE ONLY ARAB RULE FOLLOWING CONQUEST IN 633 B.C. LASTED JUST 22 YEARS;

5. FOR OVER 3,300 YEARS, JERUSALEM WAS THE JEWISH CAPITAL. IT WAS NEVER THE CAPITAL OF ANY ARAB OR MUSLIM ENTITY. EVEN UNDER JORDANIAN RULE, (EAST) JERUSALEM WAS NOT MADE THE CAPITAL, AND NO ARAB LEADER CAME TO VISIT IT;

6. JERUSALEM IS MENTIONED OVER 700 TIMES IN THE BIBLE, BUT NOT ONCE IS IT MENTIONED IN THE QUR'AN;

7. KING DAVID FOUNDED JERUSALEM; MOHAMMED NEVER SET FOOT IN IT;

8. JEWS PRAY FACING ; MUSLIMS FACE MECCA. IF THEY ARE BETWEEN THE TWO CITIES, MUSLIMS PRAY FACING MECCA, WITH THEIR BACKS TO JERUSALEM;

9. IN 1948, ARAB LEADERS URGED THEIR PEOPLE TO LEAVE, PROMISING TO CLEANSE THE LAND OF JEWISH PRESENCE. 68% OF THEM FLED WITHOUT EVER SETTING EYES ON AN ISRAELI SOLDIER;

10. VIRTUALLY THE ENTIRE JEWISH POPULATION OF MUSLIM COUNTRIES HAD TO FLEE AS THE RESULT OF VIOLENCE AND POGROMS;

11. SOME 630,000 ARABS LEFT ISRAEL IN 1948, WHILE CLOSE TO A MILLON JEWS WERE FORCED TO LEAVE THE MUSLIM COUNTRIES;

12. IN SPITE OF THE VAST TERRITORIES AT THEIR DISPOSAL, ARAB REFUGESS WERE DELIBERATELY PREVENTED FROM ASSIMILATING INTO THEIR HOST COUNTRIES. OF 100 MILLION REFUGEES FOLLOWING WORLD WAR 2, THEY ARE THE ONLY GROUP TO HAVE NEVER INTEGRATED WITH THEIR CORELIGIONISTS. MOST OF THE JEWISH REFUGEES FROM EUROPE AND ARAB LANDS WERE SETTLED IN ISRAEL, A COUNTRY NO LARGER THAN NEW JERSEY;

13. THERE ARE 22 MUSLIM COUNTRIES, NOT COUNTING PALSTINE. THERE IS ONLY ONE JEWISH STATE. ARABS STARTED ALL FIVE WARS AGAINST ISRAEL, AND LOST EVERY ONE OF THEM;

14. FATAH AND HAMAS CONSTITUTIONS STILL CALL FOR THE DESTRUCTION OF ISRAEL. ISRAEL CEDED MOST OF THE WEST BANK AND ALL OF GAZA TO THE PALESTINIAN AUTHORITY, AND EVEN PROVIDED IT WITH ARMS;

15. DURING THE JORDANIAN OCCUPATION, JEWISH HOLY SITES WERE VANDALIZED AND WERE OFF LIMITS TO JEWS. UNDER ISRAELI RULE, ALL MUSLIM AND CHRISTIAN HOLY SITES ARE ACCESSIBLE TO ALL FAITHS;

16. OUT OF 175 UNITED NATIONS SECURITY COUNCIL RESOLUTIONS UP TO 1990, 97 WERE AGAINST ISRAEL;

18. THE U.N. WAS SILENT WHEN THE JORDANIANS DESTROYED 58 SYNAGOGUES IN THE OLD CITYOF JERUSALEM. IT REMAINED SILENT WHILE JORDAN SYSTEMATICALLY DESECRATED THE ANCIENT JEWISH CEMETERY ON THE MOUNT OF OLIVES, AND IT REMAINED SILENT WHEN JORDAN ENFORCED APARTEID LAWS PREVENTING JEWS FROM ACCESSING THE TEMPLE MOUNT AND WESTERN WALL.

THESE ARE TRYING TIMES. WE MUST ASK OURSELVES WHAT WE SHOULD BE DOING, AND WHAT WE WILL TELL OUR GRANDCHILDREN ABOUT OUR ACTIONS DURING THIS CRISIS, WHEN WE HAD THE CHANCE TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

START NOW! SEND THIS MESSAGE TO 20 FRIENDS, AND ASK EACH OF THEM TO SEND IT TO 20 MORE. JEWISH OR NOT, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

TRUTH AND PEACE ARE VALUES COMMON TO ALL OF US. EVERYONE MUST KNOW!

And if this message works its way back to you, that only means that you have a circle of friends who have these values.

Mosaic Miami Church Website
Mosaic Miami Church Blog